Patty (woodycakes) wrote,

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still on my brain

I haven't had to deal to with death too many times in my life and for that I'm grateful. Sure, I lost my grandfather when I was 3, but I was barely a thinking human. I've lost friends and relatives and the nearest, most recent one would have been my aunt a couple years back. So hearing that my grandma isn't doing to well -- and is on her way to her deathbed -- is a pretty heavy feeling.

As unfair as it sounds, between my two grandmas, I grew up closer to my maternal grandmother (my paternal one being far away in the US). We'd spend summers in her house. She was very present as I grew up and I saw her soften from a stricter figure to one that let her silly grandkids joke and chide her.

over the years, she's been getting weaker (with age) and i've been in constant denial that she would get better or that it's just a phase. It's weird because one moment she was ok and then next, so fragile.

And now with her stroke, it's clear that this will be her last days. It makes me very sad to lose her but knowing that we spent a really good life with her and have had many crazy experiences comforts me. We've said our goodbyes and we'll be spending time with her on her last days, but it's weird knowing this is the end of her physical life.

I know she'll be with me wherever I go (and I definitely picked up a lot of her ways) but it'll be odd to not be able to greet her on her birthday or see her over the holidays or send her postcards when I travel. And still, I'm happy that she'll no longer be suffering and she won't be in pain. Death is so tricky and I can't imagine how my mom feels.

So pardon my absence on the flist and my silence and sappiness. I'm still reeling.
Tags: death, more family, parents.

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