And though I was pre-empting everything and over-reading everything, I sort of don't regret anything just because I went into it knowing nothing could come out. Naturally, I was hopeful in the beginning even if circumstances weren't exactly ideal, but I didn't to be a defeatists immediately -- that came along soon but not right away. At the start, i knew it was/could not be anything but it was still something worth pursuing just because it was so new.
It's just that too much's happened despite the short amount of time. Too fast, too soon? I'm never one for a slow burn and it's partially my fault for hurrying everything along. I think I'll need to learn patience moving forward -- just let things fall where they may instead of me forcing the hand -- even if subconsciously. I really need to go with the flow and let things flow instead of trying to carve my own path for things.
Sure, I knew it was coming, I just didn't think it would be this soon. Not that I'm complaining. I'm surprised I even sustained it for the time it lasted, just because it wasn't anything I'd ever really gone through. it wasn't ever constant or consistent, in fact, it was so on and off, it was more off than on and the random reinforcement really had me turning on my head whenever things did pop up. Needless to say, if I put together the days it was on, it would probably only have lasted a week or more.
I'm not bitter. Not in the least. A little sad, for sure, but it's better to do it this way, me cutting things off, than just letting it go on for however long it could go on. I've seen signs, I've been told, I've been repeatedly warned and I didn't listen. And though nothing untoward has happened, I don't want to have to wait till I feel too much or get way more attached than i already am, because let's face it, there is some attachment.
So I'll move on and hopefully find a pleasant distarction to keep my head because goodness, I'll need one. I don't want to fixate anymore and I'm surprised at how easy it's been coming considering i can't exactly take myself away from this completely. So let's keep crossing our fingers and acting cool. I'm going to fake being okay till I am. Fight!