Patty (woodycakes) wrote,

I want so much to open your eyes cause I need you to look into mine

WARNING: There's lots of angry/incoherent ranting up ahead. Maybe it's that time of the month when you're PMS-ing like there's no end and the smallest things just tick you off, but it's been a generally pissy feeling for me lately and every little freaking thing is just rubbing me the wrong way. And when I say everything, I mean it. From work to the traffic, to food and my body and of course, the non-existence of my love life. It's not like I didn't know this fact, but right now, it's all just pissing me off. Big time.

Yes, I've been single for 25 years and yes, for those 25 freaking years, I really didn't care much but there are times -- this is one of them -- where I literally want to pull my hair out and ask, WILL IT EVER HAPPEN FOR ME?!? Will some decent (hopefully awesome) guy actually have enough guts to make his feelings known and profess whatever depth of emotion he feels for me?!? Because right now, it feels like the most far-fetched comment ever.

AND YES. I get the, it'll come when you least expect it, but due to my pissy mood, I'm more like, OPEN YOUR EYES, PATTY! This shit isn't going to happen soon so just don't. And yet, it's so hard not to wait. It's so hard not to realize you're the only one in your group of friends left without a guy with a mutual affection.

Or when you see your Facebook feed and see six batchmates all engaged (no, I don't want to be engaged just yet but realize, wow, they're at THAT POINT in their lives. and no, I'm not in a rush for that either).

Or when it's Friday night and your seatmate has plans with her boyfriend, and you have plans too but with single friends and you'll have fun and enjoy yourself except you'll think, I wonder when I'll be the one going on a date.

it's really silly, I've been harping about this for six months in a row now and it's just a little frustrating how things are just not happening. Yes, I can't force it. And Yes, it will come, but could it come sooner? Could it come, like say, now? Or can I be assured that it'll come at all? Because honestly, I can't even have that assurance.

And yes, 2012 has had MOOOOORE things happen to me than anything in my 25-year-existence, but sometimes, I just reach a point, where I'm not satisfied with whatever crumbs come my way? I want the whole damn cake already, please?

I don't just want consistent inconsistency or being Thursdays girl on a roster of women to rotate. I don't want to be just your beer call or your ramen girl. I don't want to be playing the I-can-wait-to-reply-longer game. I don't want to have to strategize if it's hot or cold day or if it's wrong to initiate. I don't want to have to look cute or not haggard. I don't want to second guess and over think every single text. I don't want to be just a convenience.

I deserve better than that, right? And it sucks that that is right now. So as I finally get to sleep, I wish that when I open my eyes tomorrow, I can finally open my eyes and deal with this eternal PMS. I open my eyes and see the positivity in the negative. I can really just open my fucking eyes, and hopefuly, I'll be okay with all of this.
Tags: tl;dr
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