Patty (woodycakes) wrote,

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When my loneliness is through, I'm gonna find another you

And this is me, saying I'm back(ish). I've missed this place terribly and I realized after much deliberation that I can't ever let go for real just because I've spent a good eight years of my life in this place and though our relationship has always been a good one, it did reach a point of me dreading the obligation I owed everyone (myself included) and so I've vowed to not get stressed out by this place. Instead, I'll stress you out with silly girlish rants about what I've been dealing with lately. Not game? I don't blame you.

So, there's a cycle when I start crushing on someone. First step would be me picking someone out of random obscurity. Then I either let it fizzle out and die or totally feed the flame by trying to find out what I can about this person. Of course, there's also that optional bit where I try to play it cool and say I'll be 'cool about it' this time, but this is always a very short lived part. I'm not cool, at all.

And then I can't help it but I have to tell someone, or a couple of someones and those someones either support me (most cases) or try to just play it cool and dissuade me. But now I have confidantes and the flame (from my end) is burning brighter as ever.

Then there's some progress. Either I get to know the person a bit more or the person actually chooses to get to know me and I'm over the moon. There is now interaction and though it's awesome that I'm getting to know them on a real person basis, there's also added delusion on my side that things are actually 'getting somewhere.'

Then I either get to know too much or get too impatient or tired with the pace it's going at that I lose hope either way and realize that this is all just in my head. And well, it differs on a case-to-case basis, it's always basically the same thing when it all starts with me.

Needless to say, I'm in the just tired phase of it all now and though it's been a fun(?) time so far, it's also been a very exhausting ride. It's funny cause crushes are supposed to be fun and happy times (and they are) but they always end with me just being frustrated about everything. And I know I should learn to be cooler about things, but I don't know how to be. I obsess, and I overthink.

One of my older officemates was telling me, I just need to go with the flow and stop overthinking and that I should get past that point of no return where I throw caution to the wind but I guess I'm just a cautious person by nature and I don't know if I'll ever be brave enough to go past whatever it is that's holding me back.

But don't worry, I'm not in the least sad or depressed or whatever. Just a little tired. Just a little tired, is all. Let's take a step back and recharge and we'll be better. Yes? Yes, we will be.

In other news, HOW ARE YOU ALL? I have missed you all so much.
Tags: tl;dr
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